My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

It was one of those cold, clammy, accusing sort of eyes--the kind that makes you reach up to see if your tie is straight: and he looked at me as I were some so…

My appearance still made people laugh, with that hearty jovial laugh so good for the health.

We have observed for thirty centuries that a large nose is a sign on the door of our face that says 'Herein dwells a man who is intelligent, prudent, courteous…