I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.

I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes -…

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

But, as it is, this pied collection begs your indulgence - it's been spun from threads both sad and humoristic, themes popular or idealistic, products of caref…

I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word 'booger' in a newspaper comic strip.

I read Hemingway's posthumous Paris memoirs, rumoured to have been written by his wife (`Out of the question,' Toni assured me, `they're so badly written they …