WC: 'Is it true your father was a gate-leg table?' McCarthy: 'If he was, then your father was under it!' (from a radio show)

Charlie McCarthy: 'Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?' WC: 'He'd thin…

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only o…

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

You're so crooked, Dickie, if you swallowed a nail you'd shit a corkscrew.

I assume he was descended from apes like all the rest of us, but clearly in his case it had been a fairly gentle slope.

Look at The Rock's competition! Look at him! It looks like a big monkey came down here, took a crap, and out came Mankind!