The trouble with tea is that originally it was quite a good drink. So a group of the most eminent British scientists put their heads together, and made complicated biological experiments to find a way of spoiling it. To the eternal glory of British science their labour bore fruit.

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.

'Them fancy London types don't know the pleasure of eating chips with fingers'

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavours look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side …

You make cupcakes, which are supposed to make people happy. And childlike. But instead, you and the foodie cognoscente have corrupted them into fussy, heavy, c…