We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go t…

I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. If people learn something ab…

If ever there was a show invented in the history of the world that could rightfully say, when they replay a show, 'This is the best,' I think it's ours.

This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.