My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I'm only waiting for my wife to grow up.

'Pray, my dear,' quoth my mother, 'have you not forgot to wind up the clock?' - 'Good G-!' cried my father, making an exclamation, but taking care to moderate …

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.