Rodney Dangerfield Quotes on Marriage
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I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
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My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
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The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
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When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
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With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
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One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'