My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.

My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.

It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - god bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries.