Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

Now, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates that I mention POWERade at each grace, I'd just like to say that POWERade is delicious, it cools you…

I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm puttin' a lotta eggs in that basket, the MTV basket. I also thought about getting a gun and becomin' a cr…

(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) 'Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the…

Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and cats going, 'I'm outta here, prick!', warnin…

Check this joke out: (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be : fuckin' surp…