Kinky Friedman Quotes

Kinky Friedman delivers witty, irreverent takes on politics, humor and faith that will make you grin and think.

47 quotes

  1. Let Saigons be bygones / Don't you blow this world in two.

  2. 'Poly' means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

  3. I support gay marriage because I believe they have the right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

  4. Don't see it as supporting their economy, but as burning their crops.

  5. So we're arguing on the bus, and he's smoking a joint the size of a large kosher salami. Finally I got really frustrated with him, and I said, 'Look, Willie, this guy is a tyrannical bully and we've got to take him out.' And Willie says, 'No, he's our president, and we've got to stand by him.'

  6. If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

  7. Why the Hell Not? -campaign slogan

  8. Could It Be Any Easier? -campaign slogan

  9. When I'm governor ... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

  10. The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

  11. It's not the career politicians that I care about. I want to get them out just like Arnold did in California, and, after that, we'll get the Californians out of Texas.

  12. We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

  13. My platform is to remember that when they went out searching for Sam Houston to try to persuade him to be the governor-and he was the greatest governor this state has ever had-rumor has it that they found him drunk sleeping under a bridge with the Indians.

  14. Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

  15. I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

  16. I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

  17. I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

  18. What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

  19. I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

  20. I won't be bullied, and I can't be bought!

  21. I believe that voices like Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance. That's what the guys at the Alamo died for, is to give us a choice besides plastic or paper.

  22. Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

  23. May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

  24. Neither of us ever actually held a job in our lives.

  25. Neither of us has ever been married.

  26. If you don't love Jesus, go to Hell!!

  27. I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

  28. The system is not perfect. Until it's perfect, let's do away with the death penalty.

  29. That's the government. Having been a politician and a musician, I can tell you which one is a higher calling. If musicians ran the country, it would be a much different place. We wouldn't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'd work late.

  30. I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

  31. God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

  32. I suffer from the curse of being multi-talented. There's no doubt about it. Politics and literature have gotten in the way of songwriting.

  33. I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

  34. On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

  35. My plan is to bring back like the Bracero Program from 1944 that ran for 20 years where the Mexican government vets these people. I mean, they pay for it, and they get green cards, and they're actually legitimate. And then seal the border.

  36. I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

  37. If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned.

  38. People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

  39. I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

  40. Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

  41. The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

  42. Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

  43. Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

  44. Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

  45. People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

  46. William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

  47. I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.