My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep. Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, 'Everybody up, it's …

Where I grew up... in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide... you know, everyone was too unhappy.

Hey listen - I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beat…

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to …

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

I could have been a serious athlete, only to have my promise cut short when I discovered Woodbines and women. Thankfully I have long since given up the former,…