Selected workplace quotes

1. Well, I think that a lot of times when you're working on a film, there aren't really opportunities to get to know all the people you have to work with.

2. You are uneasy; you never sailed with me before, I see.

3. When women are encouraged to be competitive, too many of them become disagreeable.

4. My Fox guys, I love every single one of them.

5. People who get to the top of any organisation are generally dysfunctional human beings who are overachieving, overcompensating or overbearing.

6. I thought I might teach philosophy but the atmosphere of a college faculty repelled me; the few islands of greatness seemed to be washed by seas of pettiness and mediocrity.

7. In any great organization it is far, far safer to be wrong with the majority than to be right alone.

8. Meetings are a great trap. Soon you find yourself trying to get agreement and then the people who disagree come to think they have a right to be persuaded. However, they are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.

9. The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

10. What to an outsider will be no more than the vigorous presentation of a conviction, to an employee may be the manifestation of a determination which it is not safe to thwart.

11. It's always worthwhile to make others aware of their worth.

12. Wherever smart people work, doors are unlocked.

13. Appraisals are where you get together with your team leader and agree what an outstanding member of the team you are, how much your contribution has been valued, what massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.

14. As things now stand, the office is a slightly meaner battleground than the home. Male bosses seem to dominate their women underlings as they would never dominate their wives.

15. A work-room should be like an old shoe; no matter how shabby, it's better than a new one.

16. The best job that was ever offered to me was to become a landlord in a brothel. In my opinion it's the perfect milieu for an artist to work in.

17. Don't argue about the difficulties. The difficulties will argue for themselves.

18. At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a friend, 'How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?' He answered, 'All of them.' I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste.

19. The new and most powerful union of all will be a union of one -- one man, one woman, one worker with special skills, an inquiring mind, and an independent attitude, his creativity intact, his love of life blooming. The union of one will be peopled by one man or one woman who is alive. Such a person is always sought by the intelligent manager.

20. I try not to confuse roles and traits in my own life. Being the Perl god is a role. Being a stubborn cuss is a trait. :-)

21. 'The most powerful person is he who is able to do least himself and burden others most with the things for which he lends his name and pockets the credit.'

22. As you know, Bergson pointed out that there is no such thing as disorder but rather two sorts of order, geometric and living. Mine is clearly living. The folders I need are within reach, in the order of frequency with which I use them. True, it gets tricky to locate a folder in the lower levels. But if you have to find it, you look for it. That takes less time than putting them away every day.

23. 9 to 5 made people aware of equal pay for equal work. It hasn't really happened, but it has come closer. We're aware of sexual harassment, and of course, there are very few companies that have daycare centers, which seems to me would be the most humane, positive thing to do for a worker. The worker would be more loyal, they'd be more productive. It's so crazy not to do the human thing. It seems to me to be much more profitable to do the human thing. It just makes a better society.

24. It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.

25. You must either make a tool of the creature, or a man of him. You cannot make both. Men were not intended to work with the accuracy of tools, to be precise and perfect in all their actions. If you will have that precision out of them, and make their fingers measure degrees like cog-wheels, and their arms strike curves like compasses, you must unhumanize them. All the energy of their spirits must be given to make cogs and compasses of themselves:.On the other hand, if you will make a man of the working creature, you cannot make him a tool. Let him but begin to imagine, to think, to try to do anything worth doing; and the engine-turned precision is lost at once. Out come all his roughness, all his dulness, all his incapability; shame upon shame, failure upon failure, pause after pause: but out comes the whole majesty of him also; and we know the height of it only when we see the clouds settling upon him.

26. All good work is done in defiance of management.

27. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

28. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth - even though it costs him his job.

29. I want to thank you for making this day necessary.

30. He was a fairly competent chairman of Housing [on Lambeth Council]. Every time he gets up now I keep thinking, 'What on earth is Councillor Major doing?' I can't believe he's here and sometimes I think he can't either.

31. In fact, let us not mince words: the management is terrible! We've had a string of embezzlers, frauds, liars, and lunatics making a string of catastrophic decisions. This is plain fact. But who elected them? It was you! You who appointed these people! You who gave them the power to make decisions for you! While I'll admit that anyone can make a mistake once, to go on making the same lethal errors century after century seems to me to be nothing short of deliberate. You have encouraged these malicious incompetents, who have made your working life a shambles. You have accepted without question their senseless orders. You have allowed them to fill your workplace with dangerous and unproven machines. All you had to say was 'No.' You have no spine. You have no pride. You are no longer an asset to the company.

32. Well, we hope that you enjoyed Flap Jack Do It Again. I know I did. How many times does a guy get to walk around the neighborhood in his robe and not get arrested, right?

33. I had plenty of qualms about Audrey when we met for the first rehearsal, but from then on, working with her was one big kick... Audrey and I decided we'd throw a party for the cast and the crew when the picture was finished. We went all out, had it catered by Romanoff's - nothing but the best. In the middle of the party, Audrey sidled up to me, jabbed me with her elbow, and said, out of the corner of her mouth, 'Hey, Shirl-Girl, whattaya think the bruise is gonna be for this bash?'

34. Todos los que hazen del hazendado en el empleo dan indicio de que no lo merecian.

35. 'Hey boss, do you think I look like a caveman?' - 'I don't know about that, but you bloody play like one.'

36. I've heard people speculate that the growing American vogue for murder-suicides in the workplace has a certain tinge of the apocalypse.

37. Jealously: 'There are few surer ways to become disliked by men than to perform well where they have performed poorly.'

38. 'This is one thing that happens thats funny. You know sometimes I'll be on a business call with some body, like a lawyer. And you know, my lawyers be white. And they'll be like 'Okay Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that okay with you?' I'll be like 'Yeah thats cool for me.' 'Great. Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.' I be like, 'Alrght you too man. Peace.' 'Uh...uhh alright. Bye bye.' They don't know what to say, right?'

39. 'So sometimes, I'll make up shit thats not even slang just to see how they handle it and shit. It be the same call like, 'Alright we're gonna close the deal, is that fine with you Dave?' 'Yeah sounds good to me.' 'Great. You have a good weekend Dave.' 'Alright buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out!' They be like, 'Uh...uh alright. Zippiddy-do-dah, bye bye.' '

40. The centerpiece of the cultural counterrevolution is the snowballing campaign for a 'drug-free workplace' - a euphemism for 'drug-free workforce,' since urine testing also picks up for off-duty indulgence. The purpose of this '80s version of the loyalty oath is less to deter drug use than to make people undergo a humiliating ritual of subordination: 'When I say pee, you pee.' The idea is to reinforce the principle that one must forfeit one's dignity and privacy to earn a living, and bring back the good old days when employers had the unquestioned right to demand that their workers' appearance and behavior, on or off the job, meet management's standards.

41. 'He's a wonderful, wonderful person. He's deeply professional and also incredibly funny ... he's a rip-roaring laugh ...' - Kate Winslet [3]

42. 'Jude Law is a wonderful partner in these things. ... He's totally respectful. He's a very nice professional guy. He's the perfect person to do something like this with.' Cameron Diaz [4]

43. It was horrible, I hated it. Brad and Tom were like my big brothers on the set, so it was like kissing your big brother - totally gross.

44. I could almost smell her fear... Why did it bother me so much? Because she and I were the only women here, and we had to be better than the men. Braver, quicker, whatever. It was a rule for playing with the big boys.

45. There is a very ancient rule of thumb that states, people tend to get promoted to the level of their incompetence.

46. She was a tigress surrounded by hamsters.

47. A lot of people come up to me and say, 'Oh God, I'm just like Karen, that's what they [tell me] at the office'. I'm like, 'You know what? The people in your office may not be giving you a compliment. You may be getting fired soon.'

48. The thing about Michael is he's hands down one of the most professional, most talented performers I have ever worked with. All the brouhaha aside, when it comes down to it you can have 60 choreographed dancers up there and you know which one Michael is.

49. What the worker needs is to see the plant as if he were a manager. Only thus can he see his part, from his part he can reach the whole. This 'seeing' is not a matter of information, training courses, conducted plant tours, or similar devices. What is needed is the actual experience of the whole in and through the individual's work. -- The New Society (1950)

50. Sexual harrasment at this work station will not be reported. However, it will be graded!

51. It's up to us to decide on the kind of conversations we have. The way we talk at the office or factory shapes the work we do; it's not just machines which force us to be obedient. I want to show how we could make our work a lot less boring and frustrating if we learned to talk differently.

52. You don't talk to me that way! I am a division manager! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!

53. I am finding the inherent politeness of this place quite destabilising. Having come from a House where politeness is about as rare as an orderly queue at a London bus stop, the culture shock on entering your Lordships' House has been profound. Indeed, such relentless politeness is not merely destabilising, but positively exhausting.

54. That's no problem for me I didn't mind if people wore pink bunny slippers as long as the job got done.

55. 'My wife's up there (on the roof) poking around like she knows what the fuck she's doing, I fired her ass off onto the fuckin car.' (from 'Roofing')

56. Then there was this extra on the set who runs up to me and says, 'Oh, I know you! I know who you is, I seen you before. You that comedienne, Margaret Cho! I saw you at the Comedy Store. You was wearin' a kimono and you was bowin'.' 'No, that's the other one.' 'Oh, right! Now I remember. I just didn't recognize you because you've put on a little weight since your show.' And it didn't piss me off that she said that, but it was that she said 'You put on a lot of *gestures* weight!' so I'll know exactly where I put it. And it pissed me off, so I just sort of talked about it to everybody for the whole day. The next day I come into work and the assistant producer comes over to me and says, 'Uh, you know that lady from the other day? Well don't worry. We took care of her.' Oh my God! What did you do?! Suddenly I felt like I was running around like this tyrant, all drunk with power...'Nobody can call me fat on this set!'

57. Appraisals are where you get together with your team leader and agree what an outstanding member of the team you are, how much your contribution has been valued, what massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.

58. Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

59. Do you realize that every day there's a guy gettin' fired for stuff that we do, that nobody notices because it's a funny voice doing it?

60. Move the table.

61. 'You're a corporate whore, Merry Christmas.'

62. It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.

63. Flash Teacher: How to spot: He'll be the only member of staff who drives a customized Lada.

64. 'Doin' the J-O-B at the P-P-V.'

65. The present man will do well, and will be particularly loyal and anxious to please me in every way. He is vy. peculiar, but vy. clever and sensible and vy. conciliatory.

66. Looking around at the faces of his colleagues in the Senior Common Room he felt reassured: not a Lineament of Gratified Desire to be seen.

67. Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job.

68. Leona Helmsley is a truly evil human being. She treated employees worse than any human being I've ever witnessed and I've dealt with some of the toughest human beings alive.

69. Maria, you were difficult to work with, you lashed out at your 'Project Manager', which is completely out of line. Wes, you lost control of Maria and you failed as a leader. You both did a horrible job. Maria, you're fired...and I just have to do this I have no choice-Wes, you're fired also.

70. 'Summer, you're fired! (To Tarek)...and you didn't make it by far,with her own stupidity, she saved your ass!'

71. Is there anything in the world more annoyingly creepy than an unspoken dress code?

72. Chances are you feel superior to almost everyone you work with - however, they probably feel the same way about you.

73. Here's my theory about meetings and life: the three things you can't fake are erections, competence and creativity. That's why meetings become toxic - they put uncreative people in a situation in which they have to be something they can never be. And the more effort they put into concealing their inabilities, the more toxic the meeting becomes.

74. 'You have to admit, half the people who work here are mildly autistic; poor social skills, the ability to obsess on anything numerical or repetitive, the odd outfits, the paranoia and the sense of continually being judged and measured.'

75. Seeing a shoddily installed fuse box in a high-tech Edinburgh factory, HRH remarked that it looked 'like it was put in by an Indian'.[5][6]

76. I just like interesting people. When we worked together on Ned Kelly, Naomi and I definitely had a connection, but it probably happened off screen rather than on, because when you're working there's nothing sexy about 50 people standing around staring at you.

77. University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

78. His lordship may compel us to be equal upstairs, but there will never be equality in the servants' hall.

79. Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?

80. Now I'm a daddy and I go to work and the family comes with me on location and things are rather different. (2004)

81. I really, more than anything, despise the competitive thing that just sort of is in this industry: It would be different if it were kill or be killed, but it's not. (2004)

82. I'm the original take-orders girl.

83. When Henry Mulcahy, a middle-aged instructor of literature at Jocelyn College, Jocelyn, Pennsylvania, unfolded the President's letter and became aware of its contents, he gave a sudden sharp cry of impatience and irritation, as if such interruptions could positively be brooked no longer.

84. Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together.

85. 'Yes, sir,' said Jeeves in a low, cold voice, as if he had been bitten in the leg by a personal friend.

86. 'I don't want to seem always to be criticizing your methods of voice production, Jeeves,' I said, 'but I must inform you that that 'Well, sir' of yours is in many respects fully as unpleasant as your 'Indeed, sir?' Like the latter, it seems to be tinged with a definite scepticism. It suggests a lack of faith in my vision. The impression I retain after hearing you shoot it at me a couple of times is that you consider me to be talking through the back of my neck, and that only a feudal sense of what is fitting restrains you from substituting for it the words 'Says you!''

87. He's wound up like a thousand day clock.

88. The little blonde at the PBX cocked a shell-like ear and smiled a small fluffy smile. She looked playful and eager, but not quite sure of herself, like a new kitten in a house where they don't care much about kittens.

89. 'Hello, and welcome to Monday Nyquil, where the big boys play with each other. Tonight we've got a good show lined up. First I'm gonna fire someone on the phone, just like Steve Austin.'

90. 'I was in a testy mood. I'd been inside my head all day - some days that just happens. You get lost doing just one task, and suddenly you look up and it's dark out, but you still don't want to leave your headspace, and the she comes up behind you with a 150 KHz marine emergency blow horn and lets off one big parp that has you shitting out your eyes, ears, and nostrils, and when you turn around, you discover that your evil co-workers were videoing the entire prank, and you get furious and you scream for everybody to fuck off and die. 'Aw shucks, it was only a joke,' but the fact remains that because of that one loud parp you'll never be able to parse C++ code again because you fried those dendrites that dictate logic patterns, and in a flash you see yourself as a future object of pity, forced to work at a TacoTime outlet, feeding disrespectful larvae of the middle classes while taking soiled orange PVC trash bags out to the back alley, where you see a grease storage drum, and wistfully remember that earlier, more charmed portion of your life when you once knew the chemicals and procedures necessary to convert restaurant grease into clean-burning planet-friendly ethanol, and that was just one of the many feats your brain was capable of, back before the parping, back before people whispered when they saw you walking their way, hoping they wouldn't have to make small talk with you, back before they dumbed themselves down to the verbal level of Pebbles Flintstone to make you understand them.