5 George Carlin Quotes on Safety

George Carlin quotes on safety

34. So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already answered the three big questions. Question number one: 'Did you pack your bags yourself?' No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way Around-The-World, and then they packed my bags. Next question. 'Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?' No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question. 'Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?' Hmm : well, what exactly is an 'unknown person'? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.

46. I drive kind of recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicle, and I don't believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents.

145. A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

181. The radio ad 'Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!

204. No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo.