32 Annoyance Quotes

No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still.

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likeable. In three days no one could stand him.

After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about.

They are now looking at twenty minutes left in Battle Egg. [announcer says, 'twenty minutes to go'] THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID! I don't know who that woman is, I never do get to see her.

I didn't want to get into a political debate with him, but my patience was running thin...My shorts were getting a little tight.

Dr. Bob managed so successfully to turn the answer to every question into a mini-lecture on self-esteem and positive thinking, that Ethan wanted Hazard to arrest him on charges of Felony Cliche and Practicing Philosophy Without An Idea.

His speech is clumsy, with a toadlike indolence, long winded, pedantic, choppy. The words tumble from his mouth in sentence fragments, which he holds back as much as possible, as if they were earning interest. It takes forever and a day for him to push out a clump of hardened brain snot. Then he writhes in painful ecstasy, as if he had sugar on his rotten teeth. A very slow blab machine. An obsolete model with a non-working switch- it can't be turned off unless you cut off the electric power altogether. So I'd have to smash him in the kisser. No, I'd have to knock him unconscious. But even if he were unconscious he'd keep talking. Even if his vocal cords were sliced through, he'd keep talking like a ventriloquist. Even if his throat were cut and his head were chopped off, speech balloons would still dangle from his mouth like gases emitted by internal decay.

Sometimes it was very nice to have monsters and lawyers. Why ordinary people didn't strangle arrogant bureaucrats more often, [he] didn't know.

People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named 'Skip'. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says 'Hope to see you folks again real soon!' Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to 'The Star-Spangled Banner'. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the 'Federales'. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with 'Born to Lose' tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.

For all of you assholes calling from west of the Rockies, which includes Boston and the United Kingdom, dial...

For all of you assholes calling from east of the Rockies, which includes Peru and California, dial...

Mmmm-hmmm.... (repeatedly - and loudly - said while a caller speaks, much to their chagrin)

I am quite serious when I say that I do not believe there are, on the whole earth besides, so many intensified bores as in these United States. No man can form an adequate idea of the real meaning of the word, without coming here.

There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos HATE that.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The flea, though he kill none, he does all the harm he can.

Turn that thing off, its driving me mad!

Oh, bother.

What fresh hell is this?