Selected sarcasm quotes

1. Would that it were so! ... That the American military were targeting journalists.

2. Teas, Where small talk dies in agonies.

3. One could see that what you are writing was that today's meeting with President Bill Clinton was going to be a disaster. Now, for the first time, I can tell you that you are a disaster.

4. 'My four years at Berkley represent two of the happiest weeks of my life.'

5. I shall laugh my bitter laugh.

6. Aren't family squabbles jolly fun? Bleeding ulcers run in my family, we give them to each other.

7. Go back to Supercuts and get your $5 back, jabroni.

8. Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!

9. Okay okay okay! But let The Rock understand this big shot. You wanna go? Is that what you wanna do, Triple H? You and the The Rock, Triple H, one more time, do you wanna...go?' 'I would LOVE to go.'(Triple H) 'Well then go get The Rock a baloney sandwich 'cause this doesn't concern you. -both directed towards Triple H, during the same promo.

10. It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

11. So would I, if I were Parmenion.

12. (After Kevin announces the rules for scoring the battle) Boy Kevin, you sure do know a lot about scoring!

13. N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.

14. 'Judge Kennon has perfectly good ears. He can stand in a courthouse in Opelousas and hear a dollar bill drop in Ville Platte.'

15. I heard your prayers Thank God it's all over!

16. 'Every child is special.' Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, 'every child is special', and I kept saying, 'fuuuck you!' Every child is clearly not special.

17. Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step one: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there [clicks tongue], you got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point.

18. I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt!

19. His poor marksmanship must be taken into account. We have just won the most terrible war in history, yet here is a Frenchman who misses his target 6 out of 7 times at point-blank range. Of course, this fellow must be punished for the careless use of a dangerous weapon and for poor marksmanship. I suggest that he be locked up for eight years, with intensive training in a shooting gallery.

20. A startling presence, both vocally and visually... Off the cuff, like the whole '60's were off the cuff. An Oscar Wilde in drag who combined insight and sarcasm that was sometimes light, sometimes dark. A provocateur. ~ Paul Kantner as quoted in The Buffalo News (6 September 1991)

21. George Foulkes: Will the Prime Minister tell us what word he would legitimately use to describe those Cabinet Ministers who, while professing loyalty to him, are setting up telephone lines in campaign offices for the second round of the election? John Major: I have no knowledge of that. I can say that the speed at which these matters can be done is a tribute to privatisation.

22. You say we're fantastic, But still we don't head the bill. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Unbelievable!

23. 'So much for that line of reasoning, Lord Richars,' Ekaterin finished. She sat back with a hand-dusting gesture, and added, by no means under her breath, 'Twit'

24. What does she want, this housewife? My balls on a tray?

25. Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis): 'I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes.' (This follows everyone on the bridge announcing that their last name is 'Asshole.')

26. ECW has a nasty smell, just like Texas! (To Terry Funk)

27. For Dick Cheney, it must have felt just like any other day at the office: Folks who don't shave, don't bathe, and want him dead. Wow, feels just like back home!

28. Thanks for the newsflash, Chels.

29. The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project.

30. ' I guess this is just another example of how the anti-war left supports our brave troops.'

31. Dost thou think to live till his old doublet will make thee a new truss?

32. Show me a satisfied feminist, then I'll show you Jari Sillanpaa's girlfriend.

33. Can someone translate this from English to Russian for me? Where is the Siberian cultural museum? I would like to see your wonderful prison systems.

34. 'If I didn't know any better I'd say you was a regular jackass!'

35. 'Military intelligence, two words combined that cant make sense' -from the song Hangar 18

36. You can get dancers like this for 75$ a week

37. If you are serious that you have breasts that weigh ten pounds a piece then I'd like to get together with you.

38. And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. 'Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!'

39. For all of you assholes calling from west of the Rockies, which includes Boston and the United Kingdom, dial...

40. For all of you assholes calling from east of the Rockies, which includes Peru and California, dial...

41. Oh, you gonna tell me you can't clone off Jesus now?

42. Phil, I've been listening to you badgering me for the past two years and I just have to ask you, do you want me to buy my own Vasaline and spread it, too?

43. Bravo, Streicher!

44. 'Suprise, surprise!'

45. 'You're a corporate whore, Merry Christmas.'

46. I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly

47. Uh, let me think...NOT!

48. 'Looks like you need a little head.'

49. What is a harp but an over-sized cheese-slicer with cutlural pretensions?

50. What do you gargle with - pebbles? (1969)

51. You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

52. 'Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces'

53. Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?

54. All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark!

55. He expressed the opinion that the world was in a deplorable state. I said, 'Don't talk rot, old Tom Travers.' 'I am not accustomed to talk rot,' he said. 'Then, for a beginner,' I said, 'you do it dashed well.' And I think you will admit, boys and ladies and gentlemen, that that was telling him.'

56. Good morning, Mr. Greenspan. I understand that you did not take my friendly advice last fall. I thought maybe you should look for other employment, but I see you have kept your job.

57. Strategery.

58. This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: 'What, what?' Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special : ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million - that load, we're only talking about one load - connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! [:] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: 'Unngh : what's for fucking breakfast?!'

59. The poor son-of-a-bitch!

60. North Pole, South Pole.