Selected exaggeration quotes

1. Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

2. Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

3. I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

4. The most perfect caricature is that which, on a small surface, with the simplest means, most accurately exaggerates, to the highest point, the peculiarities of a human being, at his most characteristic moment in the most beautiful manner.

5. An element of exaggeration clings to the popular judgment: great vices are made greater, great virtues greater also; interesting incidents are made more interesting, softer legends more soft.

6. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

7. 'In psycho-analysis nothing is true except the exaggerations.'

8. In two decades I've lost 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

9. There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe, She had so many kids her uterus fell out!

10. The Trenchcoat Mafia! 'No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia :' Hey, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court.

11. Everything known before it happens; and headlines twice the size of the events.

12. Unos principios de credito sirven de despertar la curiosidad, no de empenar el objecto. Mejor sale quando la realidad excede al concepto y es mas de lo que se creyo. Faltara esta regla en lo malo, pues le ayuda la mesma exageracion; desmientela con aplauso, y aun llega a parecer tolerable lo que se temio extremo de ruin.

13. He hath consumed a whole night in lying looking to his great toe, about which he hath seen Tartars and Turks, Romans and Carthaginians, fight in his imagination.

14. Is it just me, or is Jermaine Jackson the greasiest nigger you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, 'Somebody throw some sand on that nigger! Please!'

15. Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!

16. I pranked him! To death with a tire iron! Whammy! Blammy wowie zowie!

17. I can type like the wind, and believe me, the wind types really fast!

18. The Undertaker cuts a promo to The Rock. Here is the opening line of The Undertaker's promo: 'Listen young man, and I do mean young.' Here is the ending line of The Undertaker's promo: 'I am going to take you to the learning tree!' A couple nights later on RAW, The Rock responds to Undertaker's promo: 'Undertaker, you run your mouth about how you're going to take The Rock to the learning tree. Well, you're not going to have to drag The Rock to the learning tree. The Rock will gladly go to the learning tree with you. And then he'll pause once we get there. He'll reach up and break off a branch, And he'll pick each and every leaf off of that branch. Then he'll turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candyass!'

19. He was the firstest with the mostest.

20. 'The Schnlitzer-Murphys had diamonds as big as walnuts-' 'That's nothing.' Percy had leaned forward and dropped his voice to a low whisper. 'That's nothing at all. My father has a diamond bigger than the Ritz-Carlton Hotel.'

21. On amplifie egalement le malheur et le boneur, nous ne sommes jamais ni si malheureux, ni si heureux qu'on le dit.

22. On New Years resolutions: 'I need to get like 34% more hyphy this year, shred 17.4% more often, use 2,000 more notes in each solo, my guitar needs to shoot flames that are at least 10 feet longer than they used to be, aaaand probably 1 more pound of lasers.'

23. He blew up higher than a hall.

24. 'Joygasm!' (Batman Forever)

25. Like most artists who have made an invention of some kind, he tends to overplay the significance of his own and goes on about it as though it were a Rosetta Stone, with whose help all representation can be rescued from one-eyed falsehood.

26. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.

27. To quote the late great Colonel Sanders: 'I am too drunk to taste this chicken.'

28. I'm not a drinker - my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

29. 'I don't even eat that shit, I lick that shit, and then I slap that shit right off my table.' (from 'Rosine Like Balloons' when referring to the lobsters)

30. All-knowing, all-caring, all-sensing, all-feeling, Maha-Rushie

31. Never had a date That you couldn't inflate

32. Enough, enough, enough! Say no more! Lump the whole thing! say that the Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo!

33. If you haven't heard the news - and I have been answering e-mails and I have been online in chatrooms and I have been on a HAM radio set and I wandered out into the desert and retrieved two carrier pigeons from some friends of mine that live up in an old silver mine - everyone's talking about it.

34. Pigeons lie, they lie through their freakin' beaks.

35. I've never seen anything like it before in my life and I've worked with the CIA, KGB...I was also an Explorer Scout.

36. What about a high left, kick fake to the right chop and a power-right fist? Man, you are dead, dead, dead.

37. Oh, okay, so sticking my head in the oven isn't bad enough, you guys want me to turn it up to broil.

38. He was so good he would pour rose-water on a toad.

39. I haven't had that many women- only as many as I could lay my hands on.

40. 'I'm the Queen, I'll live forever, I'll never die, I'll live to a million!'

41. If I had done everything they said I've done, I'd be dead.

42. In one second, without any previous training or upbringing, he had become the wettest man in Worcestershire.

43. He groaned slightly and winced, like Prometheus watching his vulture dropping in for lunch.

44. 'Do you know,' said a thoughtful Bean, 'I'll bet that if all the girls Freddie Widgeon has loved were placed end to end-not that I suppose one could do it-they would reach half-way down Piccadilly.' 'Further than that,' said the Egg. 'Some of them were pretty tall.'

45. For any truth, if overdone (as Dietzgen Senior put it), if exaggerated, or if carried beyond the limits of its applicability, can be reduced to absurdity.

46. When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. ~ Dean Martin

47. He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. ~ Fred Allen

48. 'B-E-A-FUCKING-UTIFUL!'