38 Jokes Quotes

Denmark (also called 'Norway') is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn't grow shit. I said 'C'mon what about some celery. You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen. That's the new part.'

Waffles may have actually originated in a penguin tank. (Nun grabs his hand and whacks it with a ruler) Ouch!

I don't know about you, but I think this is a mmmmoving experience. Goshdarnit, the jokes aren't getting better--but the food's gonna be real good!

Geoff: Yeah, I run Key Lime Pie Records. So, unless people give me money, I pay for everything myself and I get nothing in return!! Davey: You get a kiss every once in a while. Geoff: Not from you!!! Davey: I try.

I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.

It is a sad fact that when people are really enjoying themselves and laughing immoderately, they can afterwards remember very little of the conversation, very few of the jokes. There was the famous occasion when Peter addressed a group of revellers at a lunch celebrating 25 years of Private Eye. Almost everyone who was there, myself included, will tell you it was the funniest, most brilliant speech they had ever heard. But ask us to recall the jokes and there will be a complete blank. Peter's funniest performances were generally of this impromptu, unscripted variety. ~ Richard Ingrams in The Observer (19 December 2004)

It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.

One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

'You want a pig,' said Roger, 'like in a real hunt.' 'Or someone to pretend,' said Jack. 'You could get someone to dress up as a pig and then he could act - you know, pretend to knock me over and all that -' 'You want a real pig,' said Robert, still caressing his rump, 'because you've got to kill him.' 'Use a littlun,' said Jack, and everybody laughed.

She's 17. I'm 42 and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father.

'I drive them big eighteen-wheelers, that's all. I'm an old cattle rustler... I'm an old dancing boy.'

...Our guide announces that he's going to take us to the coldest place on Earth, where particles are cooled to within a fraction of a Kelvin. 'Ah,' says Bryson. 'That must be Donald Rumsfeld's heart.'

A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before i realized he likes cherries just...alright, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what i was trying to pull off there.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.

Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

Well listen, how does a sparrow make an emergency landing? With a sparrowchute.

When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. ~ Dean Martin

Before shoes were invented, Jack was a heel. ~ Fred Allen

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen

His violin always plays off-key, but his humor is never off-color. ~ Ronald Reagan

Picklenose

Sweet Charlie

Speedracer

Sweetnuts