Steven Wright Quotes on Crime
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'
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The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.