82 Joke Quotes

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

An old paleontological in joke proclaims that mammalian evolution is a tale told by teeth mating to produce slightly altered descendant teeth.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

My life has been one great big joke A dance that's walked A song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke When I think about myself.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Murder? Don't talk to me about murder. I invented murder!

You're a French chef. Okay? Until great white sharks figure out how to catch rabies, that is going to be the scariest thing on earth.

With a large amount of high protein or horny endosperm.. No, I told you, I didn't make that up!

What do you call a room full of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

I didn't know you liked to get wet.

Samuel L. Jackson :(to a white man drinking Samuel Jackson Beer) How does it taste, muthafucka!?

[Smith Puget is wearing odd sunglasses] Davey: I think I saw the Olsen Twins wearing those. *both pause* ...I'm not kidding.

[From script of 'Live Freaky, Die Freaky'] Yes, he's not retarded; he must be European because retarded people can fuck, and they can get hard. Trust me, I should know.

Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.

'Hi, my name is Kim Basinger... ummm, Freddie Mercury.'

Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.

I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt!

Can you imagine if my name had been Mungo Bush?

Somebody muffed it?? Somebody wanted to joke.

'So Davey won World's Sexiest Vegetarian again. Whatever. I won World's Buffest Kickboxer, AGAIN. Jeez, that's gotta be like 10 times in a row now I've won that?'

'You could be a hit man for the Scorpions; your job is to kill people and make me macaroni and cheese.'

Well, me too, at times, I have to admit, I'm a victim of the pressures of modern life. I know that one of these days something's going to snap in my head and I'll start imagining that I'm a two and a half mile section of the East Lancs Road or something - or Phil Collins, whichever is the least interesting. (after playing 'Rat Race' by Sizzler)

A card from Michael, and he says, could I play a record for his friend who has just come back from Nepal after two and a half years where he's been talking with the stones. I'm not entirely sure this isn't a medical condition actually, Michael. If the stones have been talking back to him, then I think we have real cause for concern.

My day started off particularly well with a phonecall from Richard in Germany who told me, he says 'Do you want any wine? My father owns a vineyard.' Owns a vineyard??!! So I said 'Next time I come to Germany I shall come and stay with you - probably for several years'. (plays a record) I'm always very pleased to get letters or indeed phonecalls from anybody whose family own vineyards - or Mercedes Benz dealerships, or, because I have so many children, a toilet paper factory as well, if you want to get in touch.

Rip, Rig & Panic have in fact broken up, because some of them live across the road from my mum. Not that they've told me that they've broken up but I can see them in there and they look broken up.

Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. Rent it.

[on the greatest invention] Liquid Prell.

Craig Kilborn: Name your favorite Charlie's Angel. Give you some time to think of that. John Cleese: Noam Chomsky. --January 20, 1997 [267]

(Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees?

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.

My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.

Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!

I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

Jack Benny: That star has five points.

Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?

Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.

Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in. ~ Bob Hope [2]

If you make sweet love with a school teacher / You'll have an amazing night / She'll do it and do it and do it again / Until you get it right.

How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?

Mental illness is not funny.

Clyde: General Electric.

I am a very Bohring man.

Wabagoo!

Salami tits

Tough Guy