57 Self deprecation Quotes

Oh, I'm not a true genius. I'm a near genius. I would say I'm a short genius. I'd rather be tall and normal than a short genius.

If I reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I am at best on the C list for Pope.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.

Religion is not a matter of God, church, holy cause, etc. These are but accessories. The source of religious preoccupation is in the self, or rather the rejection of the self. Dedication is the obverse side of self-rejection. Man alone is a religious animal because, as Montaigne points out, 'it is a malady confined to man, and not seen in any other creature, to hate and despise ourselves.'

A little in drink, but at all times yr faithful husband.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.

I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'

I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!

You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

(on pearled barley) It looks like me: pasty...white...starchy.

I look like an inflatable fuckdoll.

I kan nawt spel gud.... doesn't it suck that I can't spell?

'What do I know? I'm a recovering alcoholic DJ.'

'If you really want to see some ill patty cake, you have to see Davey and I do it. And then watch us play patty cake.'

Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. Rent it.

I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. 'Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head.'

Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sakes. You know. I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It's called 'Attitude'.

What terrible sins I have working for me. I suppose it's the wages.

I'm vain because I'm veinless.

Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four.

I could have been a serious athlete, only to have my promise cut short when I discovered Woodbines and women. Thankfully I have long since given up the former, and the latter have long since given up on me-except, of course, for the lovely Lady Stratford, who for reasons beyond my comprehension still tolerates my presence.

You think the President of the united states wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example.

'As long as my appearance wouldn't startle you- I'm carved from head to toe.' (from 'The Gay Hairdresser')

I take pride as the king of illiterature.

I'm psycho, and so are my bros.

People image that it is a presumptive claim, whereas it is really a presumtive claim to say 'I am the slave of God'; and 'I am God' is an expression of great humility. The man who says 'I am the slave of God' affirms two existences, his own and God's, but he that says 'I am God' has made himself non-existent and has given himself up and says 'I am God', that is, 'I am naught, He is all; there is no being but God's.' This is the extreme of humility and self-abasement.

Rice Krispies happens to be one of my favorite junk foods, just as I regard Michener as superior among junk writers.

Poor George. He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Shit, I may be doing TV in ten years. Or doing fucking appearances at a hamburger stand dressed as Captain Jack, you know? (2004)

It's too easy to blame other people and things in your past for your own self-loathing. (2004)

Only in Canada could somebody with a voice like mine win 'Vocalist of the Year'.

Of all our infirmities, the most savage is to despise our being.

He trusted neither of them as far as he could spit, and he was a poor spitter, lacking both distance and control.

I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair, and I don't help anybody.

Is that what he said? Is that what he said? He can talk! No, it's true. I'm terrible. Do you know what? I've got quite an easy job. I've just got to look at people, say lines and not laugh. And two of those I do okay-ish. But basically I'm just shit at quite an ordinary job, namely not laughing. It's not that hard not to laugh. The guy who sold me my travel card, he didn't wet himself laughing. You just don't do it.

Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. ~ Zubin Mehta