70 Wordplay Quotes

I would like to like to make one thing clear at the very outset and that is, when you speak of a train robbery, this involved no loss of train, merely what I like to call the contents of the train, which were pilfered. We haven't lost a train since 1946, I believe it was - the year of the great snows when we mislaid a small one.

I didn't know dirty words could be done that artfully. ~ Mike Myers, quoted in 'Peter Cook the funniest' The Age (3 January 2005)

And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

When I quoted Bulwer Lytton's 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to Marty Feldman he added reflectively, 'Yes, and considerably easier to write with.'

handing an apple to a doctor: Here you go. This should keep you away from yourself for at least a day. How do you like them apples?

Everybody ready to dough?

There was a lot more joking going on when I was a kid. My dad, for instance, specialised in puns and I remember once we were on vacation in California and we were driving along the San Andreas Fault and he threw a quarter out of the window into the Fault because he said 'he had always wanted to be generous to a fault'.

Interviewer: Were any of you guys in Boy Scouts or something? Adam: I was a Weeblo. Jade: We all blow. Davey: I BLOW! Jade: Davey is quite a 'demon in the sack' so to speak.

On the drums, Juan Manuel Fandango!

Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.

Dylan: said, 'Both Becky and Kenny need medical attention-' 'And a prison cell until their social security kicks in,' Jilly added. '-but give us two or three minutes before you call 9-1-1,' Dylan finished. This instruction baffled Marj. 'But you are 9-1-1.' Jilly fielded that peculiar question: 'We're one of the ones, Marj, but we're not the other one or the nine.'

Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful. Oh come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, God damn it; you didn't think of it! Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No. Just go in, have a cocktail. Or a Highball.

Why do people say 'I'm going to take a shit'? : They don't take a shit, they leave one.

You're so crooked, Dickie, if you swallowed a nail you'd shit a corkscrew.

Sheriff Bart (Cleavon Little): 'Excuse me while I whip this out.'

Count de Monet: 'It is said that the people are revolting' King Louis XVI (Mel Brooks): 'You said it. They stink on ice.'

Radar Officer (Michael Winslow): 'I've lost the sweeps, the bleeps, and the creeps!' [Explains via vocal sound effects] Dark Helmet [aside to Colonel Sandurz]: 'That's not all he's lost.'

Popsicles are for the summertime...

This is a CD called HIT AND MISS.

I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him 'you will not believe what i have in store for you!' 'This is made to your exact specifications!' When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

I'm vain because I'm veinless.

Mai Tai; Polynesian word for dumbfuck.

Named after the great romaine emperor, Julius Salad.

This sandwich used to include endive, but no one wanted to eat a BELT.

Sports fans, I have the final score for you on the big game between Harvard and William & Mary. It is: Harvard 14, William 12, Mary 6.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

Knights of Columbus that hurt!

Tarbash: 'You know when you get out of the bath and your skin is nice and...open? You ever feel that way? I feel very open today, very much open.' Diane the Flower Lady: 'I'll tell you what's open is your ASS!' Tarbash: 'That is open, too.'

'See that shit, I play the flute too, in more ways than one too.' (from Signin')

Thus for ane Dow of Dunbar drew I this Dyte, Dowit with ane Dowglass, and boith war thei dowis.

High Dude : Hey Calvin, there is a thin line between fries and shakes

breakfast breakfast i am full of breakfast and they are at breakfast in heaven they breakfast in heaven all s well with the world

Pun-provoking thyme.

It is no accident that an anagram of 'actors' is 'scrota'.

'Do you like Kipling?' 'I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never kippled.'

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

Tallulah Bankhead: 'Why, it's as easy as ducking for apples.' Dorothy Parker: 'Hah, change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life.'

'What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!'

I like my coffee hot and strong, like i like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

She said, 'Spell 'ant'', and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, 'That doesn't spell 'ant'', and I said, 'It's in there somewhere! There's the 'A', there's the 'N', there's the 'T' - the rest are silent!'

On the Netherlands and marijuana: 'Have you seen the canals?' 'I am a canal!!'

Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

Groucho: Would you mind getting up off of that fly paper and giving the flies a chance? Chico: Flies can't read papers.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?

The only game I like to play is Old Maid - provided she's not too old.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.

Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.

Jack Benny: That star has five points.

Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.

George W. Bush. The 'W' stands for 'wrong'.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.[6]

Well listen, how does a sparrow make an emergency landing? With a sparrowchute.

Before shoes were invented, Jack was a heel. ~ Fred Allen

Sa plusy dodatnie i plusy ujemne

I do not drink...wine!

I am a very Bohring man.

Barrelass