130 Dave Chappelle Quotes

Dave Chappelle quotes

1. It is truly an honor and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst School, or whatever your school is called today. I say it's a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that! Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmm!

2. Kids...you're lookin at a dead man. I should not be in front of you today. Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life.'...'Me and my friends would go home every day afer school and smoke marijuana. Can you kids say marijuana?

3. Tyrone: And kids, that was the first time I ever sucked a dick for crack , but not the last. Teacher: Thank you for that lovely and very graphic story... Tyrone: You're welcome teacha bitch! Uh, could I get cash for this? I got some errands to run and I don't think I'mma make to the bank.

4. Look at that magic marker. What, you think that's some kind of crayon?! Take the cap off, sniff it, and get high!

5. Let me show you how I go to the bathroom. (Proceeds to take a dump in the classroom rubbish bin).

6. (Discussing the first time he used acid) Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo and all my favourite cartoon heroes came to my room and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours. God damn!

7. You! Do you know what dog food tastes like? Do ya? It tastes just like it smells...delicious!

8. Ya'll tell anybody and I'll kill you!

9. Red Balls! It gives me wiiings!

10. (Talking to Cornrow Wallace in his prison cell) It's called crack! It's great! And it's so simple to make! All you need is some cocaine and some baking soda, and I think I tasted egg and cinnamon. Whoever sells this stuff, is gonna be RICH.

11. Shazaam!

12. Peanut-Butter and Crack sandwich!

13. You crazy, Joe Rogan!

14. Is this the 5 o'clock free crack giveaway?!

15. I'm gonna tell you something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know...I smoke rocks!

16. (In a scene where Tyrone is working at a post office)

17. Mmmm Mmmm...You know Joe Rogan, this isn't the first time I've tasted penis, I've had several. In my line of work, you taste penises all the time.

18. Dave Chappelle: 'Hey you, what's all this chocolate on your face, motherfucker?'

19. I'm Rick James, bitch!

20. [while stomping dirty shoes on a suede couch] Fuck yo couch nigga'! Buy another one you rich muthafucka! Fuck yo' couch nigga! Fuck yo' couch! Darknesses, darknesses!

21. What did the five fingers say to the face?... SLAP!!! [as he slaps Charlie Murphy across the face] Cold blooded... BANG BANG! I'm Rick James bitch! Everybody! King Kong ain't got shit on me!

22. Conversation:

23. I'm Rick James, bitch! Enjoy yourself.

24. I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best lookin' motherfuckers you ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.

25. I'll be back ya black motherfucker. Wide nose havin' motherfuckers! They shoulda never gave you niggas money! You don't appreciate shit! You know you can get another couch. What am I gonna do about my legs Eddie Murphy!?

26. Come here, darkness.

27. Brother darknesses! Look everyone darkness is spreading.

28. I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

29. It's a celebration, bitches!! Enjoy yourselves!

30. Cocaine's a hell of a drug!

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

31. This bores me.anyone up for a game of basketball

32. Maybe you should purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

33. Shoot the J! SHOOT IT!

34. Hello Eddie Murphy.I'm a big fan of your comedies.

35. You, and your crew versus me...and the revolution.

36. Game...Blouses.

37. You guys want some grapes?

38. 'It's great to be alone for a minute in the confession room (laughs)...NIGGAZ IS WILIN'!'

39. 'Get outta my face nigga! Im making juice!'

40. (talking about how he became richest man in the world) 'Hot hand in a dice game baby girl...I'm talking 'bout 6 hours straight, clackity clackity clackity clack!'

41. 'Now you're looking at the world's richest man and I'm black. Kiss my black ass America! Hahaha!'

42. 'Yeah, man, America wants to see us live, not work. Look at me America, look how Tron is (To the tune of of Stevie Wonder's 'Livin' For The City') livin for tha citaaayyyyy'

43. (Making fun of his new white roomate) 'What's the square root of this apartment!?! AHAHAHA!'

44. 'Will I still be able to traffic rocks to the community?'

45. 'It was torture. Straight torture, son. First he put my nuts on a dresser. It was crazy, just my nuts. Then he banged 'em shits with a spiked bat like, 'Ba-OOOOWW!!' then they sewed my asshole shut and kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me. This all took place in the slums of Shao-Lin. It was the RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raekwon 'Da Chef', U-God, Inspectah Deck and, of course, Method Man.'

46. 'Go get me some juice, bitch, I'm Thirsty' (Talking to 'Chad' from 'Mad Real World'

47. Chad I slept with Katie too.

48. Katie had some big ass TITTIES. (signature laugh)

49. Brace yo'self foo!

50. What's this? Mr. Franklin's lonely. What's this 'sorry daddy?' Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch? I'm gonna have to get out of this car and choke a bitch!

51. This is not an option, nigga. If you do not smoke this, we have a problem.

52. I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!

53. So I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh mutha fucka.

54. Gimme yo damn sandwich.

55. I didn't know you liked to get wet.

56. Riverside mutha fuckas.

57. Hoes, Dave, Dave, hoes.

58. This ain't no damn afterschool special. Smoke it.

59. I'm sorry. Actually I'm not. I don't give a fuck.

60. They cancel my show and shit goes crazy.

61. That's cuz she ain't ever gonna know, bitch!

62. Black Bush: Oil? Oil? Who said anything about oil, Bitch you cooking? (tosses the water) RUN!!

63. Arsenio Hall: This is some good ass cheese!

64. P. Diddy: All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

65. P. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

66. Dave Chappelle: Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha ha! I'm rich, bitch! Ha ha ha!

67. Prince : How about you and your friends, versus me...and the Revolution.

68. Prince : Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

69. Prince : Shoot it J. Shoot it!

70. Prince : Game...Blouses.

71. Prince : (Every shoot he takes) Good..

72. Prince : Computer blue. Darling Pinky.

73. Prince : Good hustle [slaps the dudes butt]

74. Dude : [without moving his teeth] Hey man, I'm not in your team

75. Leonard Washington : Come on, get in the car. (pause) G-G-G-G-G-G-Get yo' ass in the car!

76. Leonard Washington : G-G-G-G-G-G-Goodbye! If you need money, sell rocks. I heard that's what they do out here. Say hi to your people for me and if they ask about Leonard Washington tell them I got my ass out of here!

77. Leonard Washington : My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business.

78. Leonard Washington : First of all, I think y'better watch your tone son. I'm Leonard Washington. I don't get butt naked for nobody.

79. Leonard Washington : [after Grits 'n' Gravy rolls three sevens in a row] Boy, you are the goddamn devil.

80. Leonard Washington : [tells to Ashy Larry] What you need is some chapstick and a set of trousers

81. Leonard Washington : Your mother ain't shit

82. Samuel L. Jackson: [people are drinking his beer] Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfuckers! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get you drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! MMM MMM, bitch!

83. Samuel L. Jackson :(to a white man drinking Samuel Jackson Beer) How does it taste, muthafucka!?

84. Samuel L. Jackson : No I can't stop yellin', 'cause that's how I talk! Ain't never seeeeen my movies!? Juice! That was a good one! Deep Blue Sea! They ate me! A FUCKING SHARK ATE ME! DRINK, BITCH! (after the white men take a sip)Jurassic park...

85. Samuel L. Jackson: YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

86. Dylan : I mean come on mon, who are the five greatest rappers of all time? [counting down on fingers] Dylan, Dylan, DYLAN, Dylan, and Dylan. Because I spit hot-fire!

87. Dylan : A sugar cookie mon, this is crazy.

88. [To Wyclef Jean]: You're too close, mon!

89. Diddy: If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

90. Diddy: (in the style of The Warriors)Breaaast milk, you made my dayyyyyyyay!

91. Cribs Episode* Hey MTV! Come on in ya broke muthafuckas!

92. Dave (While At A Tittie Bar) You know what? She had the nerve to tell me that I smell like I've been at the tittie bar......SO THE FUCK WHAT??!!!!

93. High Dude : Hey Calvin, there is a thin line between fries and shakes

94. Calvin : Hey ladies.

95. Girl #1 : Eww nigga you smell like french fries

96. Calvin : Hey ya'll, I brought ya'll dinner from work

97. Cal' wife : Calvin, you can't keep bringing fries and burgers to me and the baby

98. Calvin : What am I supposed to do?

99. Cal's wife : Nigga get a real job!

100. Calvin : Bitch, WacArnold's is giving me an opportunity to support my community and feel responsible for the welfare of my own environment!

101. 'You know you'll be walking down the street and see a group of black dudes walkin. And not just any black dudes we talking, you know, thugs. And sometimes, you'll see one or two or as many as three white guys with em. You see that shit? Let me tell you something about them white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous mother fuckers in them groups. Its true. They aint no tellin what they've done to get them black dudes' respect. I've been telling brothers that; every group should have at least one white guy in it. For safety. Cause when shit goes down...some body's gonna need to talk to the police.'

102. 'A black person would never dream of talkin to the police high; thats a waste of weed.'

103. 'Thats that whole police brutality thing. See thats common knowledge now. There used to be a time when only minorities really knew about that. Now I'm not saying white people didn't believe us, but you were a little skeptical. Then the NewsWeek printed it and you knew it was true. 'Oh my god...Honey did you see this? Aparently, the police have been beating up Negros like hot cakes!' Really though, how could you know? I mean you should have been a little suspicious. Don't you think its a little suspicious...that every dead black person the police find has crack sprinkled on him? I mean come on. Who gets shot and then sprinkles crack on themselves?'

104. 'I be scared to call 911 for anything, even a fire. Cause they tape those phone calls and then play them on the news. Thats fucked up. a day. I mean what if I get killed? I'm dead and can't explain myself to my buddies. It be like 'Hello, emergency?' 'Help! Help mutha fucka, they comin to get me!' 'Just calm down, sir. Where are you?' 'Oh...oh I shit on myself. I can't stop crying.' They'd play that shit 30 or 40 times a day. All my buddies would be sittin at my funeral like 'You know Dave shit on himself right before he died?' 'Yeah...Saw it on the news. He died crying like a bitch.' '

105. 'Have you ever watched like a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was like Oh good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell. But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people, thats right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. 'Oscar you are so mean. Isn't he kids?' 'Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch!' He's like 'Bitch I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest mother fucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helpin me.' Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like 'Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch.' '

106. 'A lot of black people can relate to this. Have you ever had something happen that was so racist, you didn't even get mad? You were just like 'Gah damn, that was racist!' I mean it was so blatant you were like 'wow...' That happened to me. I was in Mississippi doing a show. And I walk into this resteraunt to order some food, and I say to the guy 'I would like to have...' And before i could even finish my sentence, he says, 'The chicken!' I was like 'What the fuck?!' I couldn't believe it. This man was absolutely right! I said 'How did he know that I was gonna get some chicken?' I asked him, I was like 'How'd you know that? How'd you know I was gonna get some chicken?' He looked at me like I was crazy. 'Come on buddy. Now everybody knew as soon as you walked through the god damn door that you were gonna get some chicken. It a no secret down here that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another.' And then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset. I wasn't even mad, I was just upset. I wasn't ready to hear that shit. All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicioius; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to likin chicken!'

107. 'This is one thing that happens thats funny. You know sometimes I'll be on a business call with some body, like a lawyer. And you know, my lawyers be white. And they'll be like 'Okay Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that okay with you?' I'll be like 'Yeah thats cool for me.' 'Great. Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.' I be like, 'Alrght you too man. Peace.' 'Uh...uhh alright. Bye bye.' They don't know what to say, right?'

108. 'So sometimes, I'll make up shit thats not even slang just to see how they handle it and shit. It be the same call like, 'Alright we're gonna close the deal, is that fine with you Dave?' 'Yeah sounds good to me.' 'Great. You have a good weekend Dave.' 'Alright buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out!' They be like, 'Uh...uh alright. Zippiddy-do-dah, bye bye.' '

109. 'Terrorists don't take black hostages. Thats the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh...they is treatin us good. Uh we are chillin and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!' '

110. 'White people do not like to talk about their policial affiliations. Its a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin for, like 'Hey Bob, who you gonna vote for?' 'Dave! Dave, woah, woah woah. Take it easy. So I was fuckin my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else.' 'Yeah yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?' 'DAVE! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions.' '

111. 'Like see I'd never vote for George Bush junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine, thats right. Now listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor, but god dammit not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.'

112. (Talking about the Clinton/ Lewinsky scandal)'Busy men fuck who's close to them. Its like Clinton just stuck his head out the door, 'You! You, get in here. Get my penis sucked before my 3:30.' '

113. 'And then Ed Bradly looked right at the camera and said 'Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back.'

114. 'I know every girl in here got a dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn't a President's dick. I bet he worked at Kenny's Shoes or Safeway or somethin like that.'

115. 'I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little 'insurance.' I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border.'

116. 'All I gotta say about Ellion is thank god he's Cuban. Cause if he had been Hatian, you'd have never heard about his ass. If Ellion Gonzales was Ellion Mumoombo from Hati, they'd have pushed that little rubber tube back into the water. 'Sorry fella. All full.' '

117. (Talking about magazines like Cosmo)'Chivalry died when women started readin the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover '100 Ways to Please Your Man' by some lady. Come on man. Aint no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwhich and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!'

118. About dead prez at Dave Chappelle's Block Party:

119. In an interview with James Lipton:

120. Chappelle's Show

1. You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

2. You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

3. If someone sits and stares at you while you eat, you won't even eat the way you normally do, because it'll make you so uncomfortable. If I look at my dog when he's eating, he will look at me like, "Dave, I will bite you. What are you looking at? I'm trying to eat." It's something that dehumanizes a person, being on display like that.

4. The kid is the best thing that ever happened to me.

5. I love being famous - it's phenomenal.

6. The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.

7. The biggest enemy of an artist is apathy... A kid gets killed by the police and I buy a T-shirt and before I can wear that one, there's another kid (killed) and I'm running out of closet space.

8. You got to be careful of the company you keep.

9. I'm happier in the way a guy gets happier when he starts to mature. It doesn't make things easier, but I'm so much better at handling them.

10. Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!