Simon Travaglia Quotes
Simon Travaglia delivers witty, tech-savvy commentary on old-school computing quirks.
-
'What was your username again?' >clickety click<
-
'kill -9 needs no justification!'
-
'Life's not fair, but the root password helps.'
-
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device-it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not....Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?
-
'I'm sorry' I say for the 1 billionth time, 'passwords are encrypted on the system, and it's far easier for me to change your password than to find out what it is.' (Which is crap; I know what it is, the password changing routine does have a slight in-house modification which the implementers probably weren't counting on.)
-
'Anti-glare screens to prevent eye strain ??? In my day, you didn't need an anti-glare screen. With the power they consumed, when you turned your computer on, the whole building darkened!'
-
'Is their network faulty?' 'No, it's more of a protocol problem.' 'What, protocol as in TCP/IP and stuff?' 'No, more like protocol as in 'When Simon asks to be reimbursed for some technical manuals, reimburse him straight away'.'
-
'THREE DAYS OFF TO BROWSE PORN!' the PFY cries. 'I LOVE MY JOB!' 'I think you're missing the point,' I respond. 'We're trying to find sites that would be used to promote the company, which means that you'll be grading sites on the following criteria: The number of visitors; Originality and breadth of content; Specialist Content and quantity of content. Once you've rated the sites on these scales you would TELL ME ABOUT IT TOO BECAUSE I LOVE MY JOB AS WELL!!!!'
-
Some days I just look at my Inbox and feel uninspired. Stacked ahead of me are the dull and mundane tasks that'd bore anyone with an IQ higher than their pants size. You know the sort of thing: 'Can you install a printer driver on the server?', 'Can we get more disk on the Homeshare machine?' etc. So, at times like this, I like to take solace in something comforting. >clickety..< >tap< >tap!< ... >rustle< >tap!< >tap!< 'Bugger!' >tap< >tap< >TAP!< >BASH!< 'What is it?' the PFY asks. >BASH< >BASH!< >BASH!!!< 'The bloody VMS machine has crashed!'
-
'Well I doubt that there'll be any need for anyone to go into the computer room,' The Boss responds dismissively. 'There may not be any NEED for it, but they're drawn towards it like managers to Internet porn!' The PFY cries.
-
'It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!' 'In the flesh, on the phone and in your account...'
-
'So, why tell them to connect a firehose to their machine?' - 'An analogy - big hose, lots of data. Surely no one would've actually connected a...' - 'Security will require a whole new set of machines...'
-
I hear a much smaller >CRASH< from below as the remote controlled lift fails to get to B2, due to the newly installed shaft obstruction. The PFY, bless him, isn't one to be put off and continues to attempt with repeated crashes echoing up the shaft while I put up the hazard tape like a good safety conscious employee.
-
'So you damaged our machine?' - 'I'm afraid so,' I sigh. 'I'm a system administrator, not really a cleaner.' - 'And I'm a lover, not a fighter,' the PFY adds, obviously having tipped a little too much tape-head cleaner on his Weeties this morning.
-
'No - apparently he had something with him at the meeting that didn't go down well. In fact, that's perhaps the best way to describe it.' - 'You mean he had a...' - 'Apparently so. He made some wild claim that someone must've chucked Viagra in his coffee, but I ask you...' - 'Weird,' the PFY concurs. 'Speaking of which, coffee?' - 'Yeah, but stay away from the 'instant decaf' till I've had time to dispose of it.'
-
(l)user error
-
..disk or the processor is on fire.
-
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
-
/pub/lunch
-
_Rosin_ core solder? But...
-
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
-
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
-
A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN
-
According to Microsoft, it's by design
-
All of the packets are empty.
-
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
-
Arcserve crashed the server again.
-
astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling
-
asynchronous inode failure
-
Atilla the Hub
-
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
-
Backbone adjustment
-
Backbone Scoliosis
-
backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD
-
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
-
bad ether in the cables
-
Bad user karma.
-
bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged
-
because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.
-
because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
-
Big to little endian conversion error
-
bit bucket overflow
-
BNC (brain not connected)
-
Bogon emissions
-
Boredom in the Kernel.
-
Borg implants are failing
-
Borg nanites have infested the server
-
Boss' kid fucked up the machine
-
boss forgot system password
-
broadcast packets on wrong frequency
-
Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
-
Budget cuts
-
Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
-
bugs in the RAID
-
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
-
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
-
cellular telephone interference
-
Change in Earth's rotational speed
-
Change your language to Finnish.
-
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
-
clock speed
-
Collapsed Backbone
-
Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
-
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
-
Complete Transient Lockout
-
Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.
-
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
-
Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
-
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
-
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
-
CPU needs bearings repacked
-
CPU needs recalibration
-
CPU radiator broken
-
crop circles in the corn shell
-
Daemon escaped from pentagram
-
Daemons did it
-
Daemons loose in system.
-
Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.
-
Decreasing electron flux
-
Defunct processes
-
descramble code needed from software company
-
Dew on the telephone lines.
-
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
-
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
-
disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
-
divide-by-zero error
-
Domain controller not responding
-
doppler effect
-
dry joints on cable plug
-
Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)
-
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
-
Dumb terminal
-
dynamic software linking table corrupted
-
Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers
-
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
-
Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
-
electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
-
Electromagnetic energy loss
-
electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
-
Electrons on a bender
-
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
-
emissions from GSM-phones
-
endothermal recalibration
-
error: one bad user found in front of screen
-
ether leak
-
Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift
-
evil hackers from Serbia.
-
excess surge protection
-
excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
-
failed trials, system needs redesigned
-
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
-
Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces
-
fat electrons in the lines
-
Fatal error right in front of screen
-
Feature not yet implemented
-
Feature was not beta tested
-
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
-
filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
-
firewall needs cooling
-
Firmware update in the coffee machine
-
first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
-
Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ('Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway' Andrew S. Tannenbaum)
-
floating point processor overflow
-
Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
-
Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
-
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
-
global warming
-
greenpeace free'd the mallocs
-
Groundskeepers stole the root password
-
had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
-
halon system went off and killed the operators.
-
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
-
hardware stress fractures
-
Hash table has woodworm
-
Having to manually track the satellite.
-
heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
-
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
-
High nuclear activity in your area.
-
high pressure system failure
-
Hot Java has gone cold
-
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
-
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
-
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.
-
I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.
-
I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
-
improperly oriented keyboard
-
incompatible bit-registration operators
-
Incorrect time synchronization
-
Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
-
Increased sunspot activity.
-
Insert coin for new game
-
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
-
Interference from lunar radiation
-
Interference from the Van Allen Belt.
-
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
-
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
-
Internet outage
-
Internet shut down due to maintenance
-
interrupt configuration error
-
Ionization from the air-conditioning
-
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
-
IRQ dropout
-
it's an ID-10-T error
-
It's not plugged in.
-
It's not RFC-822 compliant.
-
It's stuck in the Web.
-
It's the InterNIC's fault.
-
It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.
-
It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.
-
it has Intel Inside
-
It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month)
-
It was OK before you touched it.
-
It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
-
Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1
-
Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
-
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. 'Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines.'
-
Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.
-
kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
-
knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked
-
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
-
LBNC (luser brain not connected)
-
le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
-
Lightning strikes.
-
Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
-
Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.
-
loop found in loop in redundant loopback
-
Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal
-
magnetic interference from money/credit cards
-
Mail server hit by UniSpammer.
-
Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
-
Maintenance window broken
-
manager in the cable duct
-
Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
-
Melting hard drives
-
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
-
monitor resolution too high
-
monitor VLF leakage
-
Mouse chewed through power cable
-
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
-
multicasts on broken packets
-
My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
-
need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
-
nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable
-
Netscape has crashed
-
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
-
Network failure - call NBC
-
network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeo
-
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
-
new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
-
new management
-
no 'any' key on keyboard
-
non-redundant fan failure
-
not approved by the FCC
-
Not enough interrupts
-
not enough memory, go get system upgrade
-
not properly grounded, please bury computer
-
NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
-
Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.
-
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
-
only available on a need to know basis
-
Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)
-
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
-
Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
-
Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
-
operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
-
OS swapped to disk
-
Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
-
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
-
Out of cards on drive D:
-
overflow error in /dev/null
-
paradigm shift...without a clutch
-
parallel processors running perpendicular today
-
Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
-
Password is too complex to decrypt
-
PCMCIA slave driver
-
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
-
Pentium FDIV bug
-
permission denied
-
piezo-electric interference
-
Plasma conduit breach
-
Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube
-
Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.
-
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
-
Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
-
Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker
-
poor power conditioning
-
popper unable to process jumbo kernel
-
positron router malfunction
-
POSIX compliance problem
-
Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
-
Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
-
Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
-
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
-
Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
-
Proprietary Information.
-
pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
-
quantum decoherence
-
Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
-
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
-
radiosity depletion
-
Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
-
Recursivity. Call back if it happens again.
-
Redundant ACLs.
-
Reformatting Page. Wait...
-
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
-
Rhythmic variations in the voltage reaching the power supply.
-
Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.
-
Root name servers corrupted.
-
Root nameservers are out of sync
-
root rot
-
Route flapping at the NAP.
-
routing problems on the neural net
-
RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
-
runaway cat on system.
-
Runt packets
-
Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
-
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
-
Satan did it
-
Scheduled global CPU outage
-
SCSI's too wide.
-
SCSI Chain overterminated
-
Second-system effect.
-
secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
-
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
-
Server depressed, needs Prozac
-
short leg on process table
-
SIMM crosstalk.
-
Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
-
Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
-
Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...
-
solar flares
-
Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
-
Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker.
-
somebody was calculating pi on the server
-
Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.
-
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
-
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
-
Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
-
Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them.
-
Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable
-
Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.
-
Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.
-
sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
-
spaghetti cable cause packet failure
-
Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)
-
Standing room only on the bus.
-
static buildup
-
static from nylon underwear
-
static from plastic slide rules
-
sticktion
-
sticky bit has come loose
-
Sticky bits on disk.
-
stop bit received
-
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
-
struck by the Good Times virus
-
Stubborn processes
-
suboptimal routing experience
-
Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.
-
Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
-
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
-
Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
-
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
-
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
-
system consumed all the paper for paging
-
system has been recalled
-
system needs to be rebooted
-
T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.
-
tachyon emissions overloading the system
-
TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.
-
techtonic stress
-
Telecommunications is downgrading.
-
Telecommunications is downshifting.
-
Telecommunications is upgrading.
-
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
-
Temporal anomaly
-
temporary routing anomaly
-
terrorist activities
-
Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden)
-
That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
-
That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.
-
That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.
-
That would be because the software doesn't work.
-
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
-
The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
-
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
-
The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.
-
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
-
The cables are not the same length.
-
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
-
The computer fleetly, mouse and all.
-
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
-
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
-
the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
-
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
-
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
-
The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated.
-
The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
-
The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
-
The file system is full of it
-
The hardware bus needs a new token.
-
The Internet is being scanned for viruses.
-
The Internet is full.
-
The kernel license has expired
-
The keyboard isn't plugged in
-
The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).
-
The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.
-
The MGs ran out of gas.
-
The monitor is plugged into the serial port
-
The monitor needs another box of pixels.
-
The mouse escaped.
-
The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.
-
The POP server is out of Coke
-
the printer thinks its a router.
-
the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
-
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
-
The ring needs another token
-
The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
-
the router thinks its a printer.
-
The rubber band broke
-
The salesman drove over the CPU board.
-
The static electricity routing is acting up...
-
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
-
The UPS doesn't have a battery backup.
-
The UPS is on strike.
-
The Usenet news is out of date
-
The vendor put the bug there.
-
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
-
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice
-
There isn't any problem
-
those damn raccoons!
-
Too few computrons available.
-
Too many interrupts
-
Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!
-
Too much radiation coming from the soil.
-
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem.
-
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
-
transient bus protocol violation
-
Trojan horse ran out of hay
-
Typo in the code
-
U.S. Postal Service
-
UBNC (user brain not connected)
-
Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.
-
Unoptimized hard drive
-
UPS interrupted the server's power
-
user to computer ratio too high.
-
user to computer ration too low.
-
User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.
-
vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
-
Vendor no longer supports the product
-
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
-
virus attack, luser responsible
-
Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.
-
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
-
waste water tank overflowed onto computer
-
We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
-
We're out of slots on the server
-
We're upgrading /dev/null
-
we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
-
We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.
-
We've run out of licenses
-
We already sent around a notice about that.
-
We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.
-
We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
-
We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
-
We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.
-
We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.
-
we just switched to FDDI.
-
we just switched to Sprint.
-
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
-
We only support a 1200 bps connection.
-
We only support a 28000 bps connection.
-
We ran out of dial tone and we're waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
-
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
-
Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
-
What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
-
Windows 95 undocumented 'feature'
-
working as designed
-
Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
-
wrong polarity of neutron flow
-
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
-
Yes, yes, its called a design limitation
-
You're out of memory
-
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
-
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
-
You did wha... oh _dear_....
-
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
-
You must've hit the wrong any key.
-
You need to install an RTFM interface.
-
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
-
You put the disk in upside down.
-
Your cat tried to eat the mouse.
-
Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.
-
Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
-
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
-
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
-
your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
-
Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.
-
Your modem doesn't speak English.
-
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
-
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
-
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?))
-
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
-
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
-
Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!!
-
Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.
-
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
-
Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted.
-
Zombie processes haunting the computer
-
Excellent, there's nothing quite like a blunt object to reinforce proper administration ethics.
-
The greatest barrier to someone achieving their potential is their denial of it.
-
Knowing the rules and remembering the rules are two completely different things.
-
It ain't the picture and it ain't the camera - it's the operator.
-
Of all the things I could know, my own faults and weaknesses are pretty much the most important.
-
Allowing yourself to smile takes 99% of the effort.
-
Death is inevitable, but Life - that's the tricky bit where things happen.
-
The problem I have with making an intelligent statement is that some people then think it's not an isolated occurrence.
-
Names are what people sometimes use to excuse their thoughts and actions towards you.
-
Being able to write an idea down succinctly doesn't make that idea any better than one which rambles on a bit. It just comes to the point sooner.